Thoughts of a Summer Child
Born of the summer.
With my notebook and pen in hand, I’ve written all that which lives within me.
If you look through this to find your solace and peace, you’re lost.
I am broken. You will find a symphony of disharmonies. Beautifully so, undone in all my doings, free of expectations. A mosaic of loose endings and untold stories. You see, nothing works, nothing fits. The wounds I’ve reopened and left to scar, done purposefully over and over again and again. Exposed imperfections I haven’t bothered healing.
Don’t look at me as all knowing and conscious to my world. It is constantly unwinding.
I’ve failed and fallen, time and time again through a lens of blinded arrogance and my forceful misguidance. Too many errors to count. Too many unforgivable moments. Dont look to me for forgiveness. Too many sins, exposed in my state of humanity. Get on your knees and ask my angels, they’ll tell you she’s been good at the bad, and bad at the good.
And don’t look for me to be an anything for you, as I belong to no one. I am a product of the nomads who raised me. I know of no home, no safe space.
I am the daughter of fire and air, a water child of the summer.
I am raised to be the greatest and the least of these. I was taught to know of the sweetness freedom brings, and learn evolution’s theory: state of being.
And one day in its time, I will become a master of miracles.
Look for me in the summertime. When the sun heals, and the days are never ending. You will find me, infinitely.
At Avant of Figueroa St. (months after the move)
There are 3 palm trees directly in front of my window,
so the sunlight was sh*tty and my all plants had wilted and died.
This was when my cat talked to me.
And I had to remind myself of all that was real.
I had to protect myself from hysterical thinking.
It had to have been my manic waves occupying all feels.
Gray brain matter and clear skies.
This wasn’t my safety where swimming was easy.
Living in colors unfamiliar to me.
I checked my pulse while above new ground.
And I was still here.
Looked at my texts to see if you answered.
Any missed calls and still got nothing.
You were probably out, busy, on tour, fine dining and
avoidant to the pressing responsibility of
my unconditional love.
—
I just knew this f*cking cat didn’t talk to me-
her multi-tinted hazel eyes glinted at the windows of my soul.
I stared back at them now entering into new worlds.
I should’ve named her Bastet;
an extraterrestrial presence
like an idol or the Titan Rhea
born to be worshipped.
All I kept thinking
was I should’ve never seen LA.
its arid weather, never ending
pot holes
& corner street fruit carts
dog ladies with strollers
cat ladies with strollers
I landed on strange plains, too beautiful for my understanding
And, distinctly, in this cat’s laments voice
it was that thing she told me,
“You are never too far from home”.
Shades of Blue
Is it true what they say about love? You know, that it doesn’t last forever? Though I felt safe to have you, I knew the risks. To confess. To lose. To pledge devotion. To be forgotten. Yet still, I stayed by your side always. Even if nothing had ever come from it (loving you), though something did. Truly, I didn’t plan to leave you alone, nor to be lonely. When I was there, and present, I attempted to mend your sad heart’s brokeness you so desperately tried to hide from me- I longed to block your inacceptance to your own imperfections.
You saw a lack of beauty in being uncouth. You saw your flaws as that which needed to be improved, in order to become actually beautiful. Something more, lovable. But, you see, everything you are was beautiful to me. It was cute the way you tried to covert me in believing a reality I so forcibly denied- that self change is for the better. The idea to *grow* made one worthy was, for me, in my state of being, something laughable, and annoyingly untrue. But I listened to you speak and cherished every sentiment. I did. And you must believe this of me, because you may not believe my next remark. My death wasn’t because you didn’t reach me soon enough, but it was for the sake of loving you.
I’m sorry I did this. I’m sorry for taking such an impulsive, subconscious action without your consent. I hope to clear your mind for any of your unwinding thoughts that believe you pushed me away. That you are the cause. The truth is I am in love with you. Really, it’s nothing you never knew, never known, or understood. The day we met, that very moment, I fell in love, and it was unwavering.
I also unapologetically told you the moment I knew that you were the one for me. I cherished every moment we had and all the days we spent. I noted every attempt I made for you to laugh or smile, and kept it on ice for another day. Loving you was something I believed I could make out of nothing but pure intention and good will. And you were right about a lot- about my selfishness. I sought to love you, and was unwilling to know if you sought it from me too. I was sure to know that this (love) was true.
Your patience was my favorite part of wanting you. You waited constantly under blue skies for life’s miracles to bestow upon you. You knew of blessings beyond what I saw- a sight of perpetual darkness in your absence. So to avoid it, I’d join you. Under the skies. To try and see whatever you saw. And I did. I saw you, in every color, in all shades of blue. I saw how the clouds covered you gently when it was too hot, and how the sun’s glory bathed you in absent shadows. I would turn and stare at your dreams of going on, to better things. And I have to say, it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen.
This letter written to you is well past due. I say a letter, but it could be a written free verse of unconditional and unrequited love. To potentially live in a life without you was suffocating enough to think through. We had the present, the moment of now, to share our deepest desires, to intertwine and be one. Growth was unnecessary. But for the eternal love that burned within me, I couldn’t bare any idea of it manifested without you here with me, forever. I couldn’t find love in change. Again, I am selfish. Again, you’re right. I saw growth as the pointless act it was. An act to be loved through earned merits of wholeness. Bettering one’s self is a pursuit in love, and I was in no business of seeking any further. I wasn’t interested in self betterment, nor did I feel the need to grow. The flaw stood in the necessity of change and stride for a greater self, to be worthy of it all (love). But love was always here, in me, for you, in all your colors, in all your truths, in every sense of your broken pieces. As you were and as you are.
I didn’t have the challenge to grow a love for you, nor learn how to earn it again because of a love lost in time. It was always and is always there, constant, burning. Maybe that is why I saw no point for change. I am satisfied with the life I lived, a life filled with you, in all my waking memories. I was satisfied with the present, forever. It was implausible, or as you’d say unrealistic (the idea of forever). I was hoping over time you’d see that the impossible was possible, but then again, you didn’t need to see anything through my peripheral. Except how beautiful you truly are.
The truth was that I was filled with despair, too much so. Soulless and hopeless, it is all true. I appreciated you, because you never pitied me as I did the same for myself. You had seen the truth behind my eyes, an abyss of great sorrow. Everlasting. Maybe you aren’t surprised to my death, or as Id like to say, my act of love in passion. You knew who I was. It was your light who saw me for what I am, and accepted it as such. You tried to encourage me into betterment, an act to what I believed was a big waste of time, as it (life) was all to one day come to an end, whether or not betterment was in progress. A faulty vessel, I remained the same, filled with all my love to you.
It was a healthy obsession, not a foolish one. To take you as my own, though you weren’t. When your light touched my darkness, I felt complete. Your eternal soul against mine, a beautiful misalignment. An incompatible union. I remember when I first met your light. I remember how it felt. You burned me, with passion’s fiery warm embrace. It left a scar that was undeniably there- in both the physical and metaphorical. Sometimes I’d look down at my chest to see the marking that signified that I am yours. The piece of me that you created, and never left. I’d touch it with my finger tips, close my eyes, and drift away. This brought me back to the beginning of when I first loved you.
Now in my state of stillness, I see once again a truth of no longing. I am happy to have had you once and full, it was enough that you existed by me. It was enough that we loved in a time and in a place. You are enough. And you will always be.